My blog game has been weak this year. Between leaving one job and starting school, and writing hundreds of pages in assignments, work on anything other than coursework was a daunting task. Still, the story of my year deserves to be shared.
Last August I started my PhD journey. I felt good. I felt prepared. I felt ready.
But my pretentious bubble was soon popped, and three weeks into the first semester I realized I wasn’t actually as ready as I had promised myself.
By my third month, I had written two unsent letters to my advisor, swearing she made a mistake by admitting me into the program.
I compared myself to everyone around me, and highlighted all the ways in which I wasn’t good enough. The intimidation factor was no joke. Many of the people in my classes and program were true superstars, brilliant and incredibly talented.
Up to that point, I thought I had a pretty good head on my shoulders. I thought I could take the challenge, the feedback, and the constant trial and error. I thought I knew it all.
I was concerned with everyone around me. The comparison trap was real.
Then my body started to give up on me.
I cried many times that first semester. I was unstable.
And then I learned that I didn’t know it all.
…and how to be quiet, sit still, and just listen – this came from teachers and classmates. Friends and colleagues paused me, told me to know how and when I take up space, and to just be still (quiet!). Those friends pushed me to be a better listener, which in turn made me a better student – specifically a better PhD student.
But this learning took time. And still, there were days when I struggled.
…and days when I really struggled.
But I owned that struggle, and used it to propel me into more confident days.
And then my angel of an advisor gave me really good feedback on a final paper, feedback that helped me realize how to be a better student and writer.
She validated and affirmed, and left me thankful that I never sent those letters of resignation.
And so, I leaned fully into winter break, and cleared my brain and heart for the next semester. I vowed to read and write differently, to study harder, and to be more committed in ways I just wasn’t during the fall semester. I fully embraced my identity as a full-time PhD student, and found pride in the things I could do and learn.
And I started to address the demons inside me that were telling me I wasn’t worthy.
And I sent them away. I demanded them away.
And I started making small changes that went a long way.
Stuff started to make sense. I was remembering things from my masters program. I was remembering and applying learning from the fall to the spring. By February, I finally felt confident (a tad, at least) for the first time during this entire year.
And I had made some really good friends, people who were in the same boat as me.
We collaborated on projects, pushed each other, and took risks to receive rewards. We started the process of becoming experts on our research topics. We shined.
And we built a tradition of cheering for each other, through the good and the bad.
As May neared, and final projects took over, I found myself excited, not scared like I had been in the fall. I knew I could do it. I finally believed in myself.
And before I knew it, all my papers were turned in, and I had successfully completed one year of PhD work. I did it. Despite the long road, I did it.
All is well…
…until classes resume in August, of course.
*gifs all found on GIPHY