I went to bed knowing I would cry a few times today.
I woke up, and videos flooded my timeline. My Facebook and twitter feed both currently exist as an homage to this day one year ago, and alas, the tears are plenty.
I was overwhelmed on this day last year – by love, by stress, by, “what if?”
I remember this day one year ago so deeply and vividly, and as I shared my experience with a group of colleagues yesterday, I couldn’t help but tear up. On this day one year ago, I found myself sitting in an empty classroom of a boarding school, running an institute for my job. I was alone in the classroom, intentionally, refreshing my Twitter feed, refreshing the SCOTUS blog, minute after minute – close to one hour.
My mind wandered to, “when,” and, “what if,” and I paused long enough to miss the reality that my Twitter feed exploded. Between companies arguing for equal love, and friends and fellow community members typing in only emoji-speak, my body sat still with full-body chills. The Supreme Court of the United States had made a decision.
…one that favored me, and many people like me.
I cried. I cried uncontrollably, and stood up because being alone in that moment was no longer acceptable. Ultimately I had set myself up – if the vote went the other way, I could grieve privately and then move on to help others process. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that it would end in this result, and thus, sat still…alone, and needing to share the moment with other living, breathing, beings.
I walked out into the hallway of the classroom building, and not a soul was around. I was still crying, and seconds later, was jolted by the sound of a classroom door swinging open and another voice crashing into my silent space.
It was Peg, a women, also living and working in DC, who I had grown quite close to over the few days we had already shared at the institute. We stared at each other, with a stare I will never forget, and immediately ran into a full embrace.
Peg and I held each other as we both sobbed for half of a minute, sharing one of the most emotional-intimate moments I had experienced up to that point.
We both felt free.
Moments later, colleagues in the room Peg emerged from also came bursting out of the classroom, surrounding Peg and I with hugs and cheers, and more tears.
“Love wins,” again, and again.
Equal marriage. Legal. Allowed.
“You belong. You matter. You are enough.”
Love, again, and again.
“…right to wed affirmed,” posits The Washington Post.
The press plate above now sits in a large frame in my living room, as I embrace co-habitation with my soulmate, best friend, and hopefully…eventually…legal husband. This moment at the institute – Peg, this moment, and the SCOTUS decision – lead me to believe I am worthy enough to be someone’s husband, that I am worthy enough to be simply, plainly, and beautifully me.
Today I am unapologetically tearful. Today, I am reflecting, remembering, and hoping for more equal-minded decisions and legislation ahead. Today, I am pausing.
I am appreciating. I am loving. I am worthy.